I've got some important info for you if you're a white guy who dates . There's no guarantee that these tips will get you a date, and women of. In an essay entitled "The Reality of Dating White Women When You're Black," The concept of a black man in a relationship with a white woman is a But then something happened: people started talking to me, flirting even. Yet I still get emails from women asking how to let a guy know they are interested — and get him to approach them. I also get emails from men who want tips.
Maybe other black people do, but I still prefer just to use my words. Here's our first difference between using your words and slowly escalating the intimacy level. I have to admit, I'm a little confused and have been for a long time about the concept of street harassment. I understand other points of view, but my experience with it is different. See, black men tend to be more overt with their interest.
Instead of slowly escalating the intimacy level they make it extremely clear where their interest lies. This may mean they talk to someone on the street, at the club, at church, wherever. It's not not meant to be disrespectful, but more acknowledging that he could meet someone he's interested in anywhere and may never see them again. So begins the game. When a man hits on a woman, it's meant to do a few things rather quickly: My assumption will be that this stems from our African roots, but I don't know.
So, depending on the ability of the man, he may try to woo his woman of interest with anything from very blunt statements to poetry. During that time, she makes it clear what level of interest she has whether that be just sexual in nature or getting a phone number or actually dating, etc.
You can see this type of flirting clearly in blues, swing, and most black music. In my experience, black men may begin telling you of their interest while in a group but, assuming the woman gets the go-ahead, he will have y'all moved to a more private space to continue talking. Although he may tell his friends about it afterwards, and may even exaggerate the bit, that's how you know it's no longer just for show.
This brings us to the next difference. Are women capable of deciding and expressing is their own sexual interest? Additionally do they have to worry about a reputation?
It wasn't until I started dating white men that I really gained an understanding of why white women stressed out the way they do. Suddenly, men wearing encroaching in my personal space, staring too hard, and I found myself in an embarrassingly large number of situations where I was unsure where the interaction was going. So I'd ask, and then things would get messy. I always felt that by allowing white men to do nice things for me, I was also making a space that could lead to confusion as to whether or not they were interested in me.
It felt like my duty was to sit back and allow men to come to me. Suddenly, I had to worry about getting a reputation for being easy.
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White men don't really like being asked out in my experience, and it makes them uncomfortable. There's a strange dynamic between being a person that is only being pursued for sexual interest and a good girl who you might bring home.
Unfortunately, at least in my understanding, the only one who might know the difference is the man in that situation. Let's go back to Black flirting.
The man has verbally expressed interest, now what? Now the ball is in the woman's court.
If she finds him attractive, she can keep talking to him, listening to him spit game. If she is, they talk more, they exchange numbers, go on with their lives. Now, I get it.
In black dynamics, things have been discussed, and both parties accepted. Hitting on someone is a question, not a demand. Respectable Black men ask and get rejected more often and let it go as long as they were rejected respectfully.
These VERY different expectations around flirting coming in contact. I'm not a white woman so I don't know what that is like. Reading and thinking about this, really makes me question some of the interactions not that long ago between black men and white women and how poorly they went. Since I can only speak on my personal interactions I find that the barrier is a strange but important thing to note.
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In my experience, White women are a little easier to handle than White men. White women, although passive, sometimes appreciate a clear verbal interest. White men are another matter. Then you could ask any number of respectful questions about when he immigrated to the United States, and what my Trinidadian roots mean to me — without ever having to perpetuate xenophobic ideas about immigrants.
You can have similar approaches to conversations with other women of color. Unfortunately, society encourages men to believe women are always sexually available to them.
East Asian women, for instance, are stereotyped as submissive and demure. Women of color regularly deal with both sexual and racist harassment. To build that vision of a world with new and respectful ways to relate to each other, we need to figure out how to be open to engaging with each other while still preserving our safety.
Say you make a mistake and a woman of color feels offended by your approach. Every woman of color has developed her own boundaries throughout her lifetime to protect herself from the impact of this constant weight. Boundaries are not a form of discrimination against you.
You can extend the invitation for conversation, and be open to wherever it goes from there. There are a lot of the same lines going around among you, and hardly any of them are working. Then consider that for women of color, disrespectful interactions can also include a dose of racism. Knowing that all these guys are out there spitting the same game actually gives you a good strategy — all you have to do is get creative. Plus, that status quo is leading you down an oppressive path.
Be Original For the love of all things holy or romantic or sexy or whatever floats your boat in this scenario — do something to stand out from the crowd. Which, to be honest, is a huge part of how many women of color form our first impressions about white guys who approach us. Will you treat her based on the way the rest of society tries to define her, or will you look beyond her appearance to connect with her as a person?
The key to everything including gauging if a woman of color is interested, knowing her boundaries, building a connection, and finding an original way to relate to her is all the same — listening.
And that you see her as a unique person and not just an object. This is all about honoring who she is as a person, rather than relying on any preconceived notions of who she is.
Following these principles, instead of the terrible ideas behind patriarchy and white supremacy, will allow you to have intimate and romantic relationships based on real connections and understanding. All of us are developing our own ways of connecting with each other as we dismantle the oppressive systems between us.